I want to be Better

People really piss me off. I know of people who are condescending, dominant, and crass towards everyone. I see them at least once a week, and I’m afraid if I explain why I have to see them, it might be too revealing of who they are. It’s sucking out the energy from me and I feed it because I don’t know how to address it. Makes my blood boil, and I have fucking road rage all the damn time. Today it’s pressing on me harder, and I’ve given it some thought. I hope I can carefully lay this out so I have a rubric to go back to my happy place.

I want to be a better person who can forgive and see the light in everybody.
Why? Because deep down some lame wise part of me is commanding me to do so. The other day I woke up and promised to live a more authentic life, and that authentic soul of me is telling me to give these freaks some love. WHY WOULD I WANT TO GIVE THEM POSITIVE VIBE AND LOVE WHEN THEY ARE SO. FUCKING. MEAN?

Because they need it the most.

This doesn’t comfort me one bit. In fact, it drives me fucking nuts. How can I possibly be nice to people who are incredibly rude and insensitive?

Because they need it the most.

What’s that one saying? “You can’t put out fire with fire.” Sigh.

My head is resting on my palms. I want to rip out my hair and smash glass. Life is so ironic, isn’t it? Somebody hurt your feelings? Well, turn the other cheek. As you can see, I’m quoting all of the great leaders out there, because that’s how bad I need a spiritual teacher to destress.

How can I be better? How can I grow from this? In normal circumstances, I cry about it, and this infuriates me even further. I cry harder because I’m crying over a situation I can’t control. Is there any tool to resolve this because I’m awful with anger.


Delayed Love

I have a friend who messages daily about her struggles on messenger. It’s not that I don’t care about this person, but I’ve noticed I don’t reply back. It’ll take me days to respond a short phrase, and that’s how it is lately; however, a deeper part of me knows this is unacceptable. How can I be so cold to someone who is there to console me? I’m reflecting on my behavior, and I’ve been quite aloof, not as bright, or witty. I don’t greet strangers with a smile anymore. I’m more guarded. I’ve exchanged patience with instant gratification.

As usual, some of the answers to my problems always float in at the strangest moment. Like Saturday, when I was driving back from Madison half awake. I’ve taken notice of my delayed responses to anyone’s feelings. Mine as well. I am quick to respond when I am wrong, but short to listen to others who have real problems. I’ve stopped looking beneath the surface. Usually there is a sort of undercurrent bringing me back to center, but I can’t find that current. I don’t know if I should be happy that I feel less, or if it’s all bottled up. It probably never left, but I’ve forgotten what it feels like.

I’m not sure what to say here. I’m trying to navigate through these stagnant and dull moments of life. I’m really trying to rewire my brain and heart for anyone that can be possibly effected by me.

I don’t like Cubicles

I have what I want. The jump start of a brand new librarian career, a new car, and near all of my loved ones back in WI. It’s just…something’s missing. Ahh, it’s never enough. I’m sitting in my cubicle and I realize I hate being confined in a cubicle so damn much. In any office, really. I feel constricted. There’s a wave of sadness that washes over me as I walk past through these brick walls.

I catch myself daydreaming a lot. By 4’o clock, I can’t wait to stroll back to my car. I feel a sense of joy when the cold air hits my face, and my sigh releases some tension in my bizarre heart. It’s therapeutic when I meet other cars on the road, and I am surrounded by all of them speeding. Wanting so bad to be elsewhere. Anywhere.

I don’t want to be here. I can feel deep in my soul it’s irritated. It’s not that I have a hard job, but I don’t want to be here in the long run. I work at a university surrounded by wooded areas with gorgeous trails. The leafless trees, and bleak skies has been scaring me lately. More lonely, actually. I think in order to combat this I want companionship. Someone to gossip about my needs, discussing getaways, sending virtual kisses, and giggling over inside jokes but I keep bumping into the wrong people.

I’m not desperate. I refuse to turn my body over for some superficial touch anymore. I just don’t feel like I all belong here. Like I was meant for something else, and it desperately yearns for me. It kills me that I can’t figure out what that thing is, and I am envious of people who have found their muse. Their passion, whatever it is. I am actively searching for you too.

Gone but Still Here

Apologies! I’ve been away for awhile. Not that many people visit my site, but I type on here to discover who I am. So many things has happened over the past few months and I’m glad things are looking up for me. Here’s somethings that has happened:

  1. I found a new job – a librarian position at a University of Wisconsin
  2. Inevitably had to move back to Wisconsin for my job 😀
  3. I moved in with some very nice friends
  4. I am looking to buy a car to commute (this will be my 2nd car)
  5. I started an Instagram account: https://www.instagram.com/xoulvv/

I am so late with Instagram but better late than never! I don’t post much but I’ll try to keep up with social media. I’m not against it…I’m just not very creative what to post. I’ll also be working on finding a side job for extra cash. If you have any ideas, let me know! Happy holidays everyone!

Inktober day 31: mask

The Inktober challenge has come to an end! I’m glad I participated in this challenge. It has helped me to be more disciplined with drawing. I’m nowhere near the artists I admire but I will keep dabbling with art and to believe in my creativity.

Some few thoughts I gathered over the month:

The last inktober challenge is mask. It’s funny because I stopped participating in any art after painting a mask project in 8th grade. Our assignment was to paint over a drama mask with a hint of ourselves and our favorite artist. I picked Georgia O’Keeffe since she was my favorite painter at the time. I painted my mask with flowers with a black background. I thought it was beautiful but received a B+. I asked my art teacher why I was graded a B+ and her response was, “it doesn’t represent Georgia O’Keeffe.” I didn’t understand. I incorporated the flowers that O’Keeffe painted into the mask. It didn’t make any sense because I hit all of the project requirements. I felt rejected and stopped taking art classes.

About a few months ago I started feeling dull. I just couldn’t imagine not having any creative ownership in my life. I wanted something beautiful to look. I didn’t care if anyone paid attention to it. I just want to feel alive. So…I started drawing again. I picked up exactly where I left off at the age of 13. I’m still bad at art but I’m just happy to be doodling and drawing crappy figures for myself.

In retrospect, I don’t blame my art teacher. I blamed me for not believing in myself. I think I’ve held on to that excuse for a very long time and I would like to stop it. It’s true, we are our own worse critics but we must learn to be gentle and believe in ourselves. Here’s to more happy doodling.