Aside from my librarian job, I work as a delivery driver/office/personal/bitch assistant. I didn’t want to sound so harsh with that kind of language, but the truth is, my second job is stressful. It’s mainly male-dominated, and yes, I’m here to whine about it, because I don’t have anyone else to talk to about the stress. I live on my own, and everyone is preoccupied with their life. Besides, this is my platform, right?
Working with men…is always fascinating and frustrating at the same time. I’ve come to realize that I aspire to be like men. I want to be just as smart, just as witty, just as fast, just as dreamy, and able to connect with everyone. I’m learning this is quite the opposite. If I’m too soft, I’m not able to do my job well. If I’m too hard, I’m instantly labeled a bitch. Bossy. So here I am, walking on this double-edge sword. What to do?
I came across watching a video of Cindy Gallop, the founder of make love not porn website. Gallop is astounding in the video. She offered wise words when women are stuck in that double-bind work scenario:
“ALWAYS BE THE BITCH.”
But she carefully rephrases that it shouldn’t be confused with bad behavior bitch. I absolutely love that, because in it she explains that it is better to be respected than well-liked because at the end of the day, people will trust a respected person to rise to the occasion to fix a bad situation versus a well-liked person.
All along I’ve been mildly practicing Gallop’s advice until she put it in words. Be a nice bitch, but with boundaries. Be a nice bitch, but stand on your ground. Be a nice bitch and don’t care about what people think about you. BUT! BUT! But, sometimes I relapse. When I lie in bed, I think in my head if I’m doing a good enough job. Did I hurt anyone’s feelings? Does my boss think less of me now when I didn’t do a good job with the work schedule? The question always burning in my closed eyes engulfed with darkness, “Am I good enough?” As women, our desire to please is endless.
Before I went to bed last night, I did some yoga and quietly spoke to myself. Just trying to ease the stress and the swirling headache. Is this enough? What else can I do to calm down my nerves? How can I apply these healing rituals during my stressful work areas? Does this even fucking work? Maybe I need a companion. Oh shit, I don’t even feel worthy of anyone’s presence right now. Are my coworkers right about me? That I crack down under pressure? Am I really the bad cop? Are they not taking me serious enough?
I’m sensitive to these playful remarks/jokes. It questions my work ethics and interrogates me at night. What am I doing here if I can’t seem to build a work schedule correctly? Why am I constantly being replaced when I am ask to carry out a task? That strips away my work credibility from my coworkers, and I am perceived as a princess. I refuse to believe that, because I’ve worked hard all my life to support myself. I will go to extra lengths to make sure my boss is getting quality and great service but only to find out he’s already assigned the task to someone else.
Maybe it’s time to leave? Maybe I’m not good enough. These fleeting thoughts are either going to save me or break me.
There is something to be learned here and I’m not quite sure I’m fully grasping everything yet. It will come but right now I HAVE to speak up, and use my voice to be the bitch with grit. Not bad bitch behavior, of course. I do want to better manage myself in a stressful environment, but learn when to walk away because I don’t want anyone to think I’m glamorizing a stressful work environment. I also refuse to be tossed aside when I have worked so hard. I want to be acknowledge, to be just as dreamy, just as fast, just as smart, just as carefree, just as compassionate, but with the heart and gold of a woman.