It’s my birthday today. While I should be out celebrating, I am stuck inside working in the library. It’s fair though. I just came back from my vacation in Portland & Seattle so I’m working right away; however I am revisited by anxieties again. I’m pretty confident it is the idea of me being extra single with no defining accomplishments yet. I’m talking about working a dream job, traveling year round, and owning a home in some exotic place.
I think I am always quick to rush through this slow process of life. The minute I panic with life, I quicken my decisions. How success will happen will not be in a year or two. Maybe in five years, but I’m dreading the feeling of growing older with no romantic partner to support me. At the same time I feel unworthy of being with anyone. I am not substantial today nor will I be for a while.
These feelings of anxieties come and go. They drop hints about who I am, but I am so slow to pick them up. They are like water slipping through my hands leaving me scrambling for balance. My skin is also slightly flushed with warm sensations and odd tingles. It is not the same thrilling sensation when a person feels empowered. It isn’t painful, but more annoying. I am solving an incomplete puzzle about myself for the last 27 years revolving around these questions:
- Who do you want to be?
- What is my calling/passion/career?
It’s not about the money anymore. It’s not about having a white-picket fence home. I just want to create, have ownership, and connect with people from all over the world. But I can’t. All I want to do is scream back at my anxieties and ask: “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!”
This is what my anxieties do to me. It forces an aggressive and inner conversation with myself whilst I am cold to my surroundings. I am so sorry about that. I cannot help anyone while I am quietly suffering.
By the end of the day, I end up hurting myself because I am so frustrated of this repetitive phase. Yes, I have my moments of relapsing into a bitter state but I am CONVINCED I will find the answers to my anxieties. They are not here without reasons, and I will not let it ruin my birthday.