One of the most uncomfortable feelings I encounter living away in another state is loneliness. It has expanded into the course of a month now, and quite frankly, I’ve become an expert ignoring loneliness which resulted into a breakdown this morning. Nobody has prepared me for this because rarely anyone in my life has been alone. Most of my family members are married with kids. Some of my closest friends are married, in committed(?) relationships, and some are residing within traveling distance of their loved ones. I truly miss them. My situation is quite different from them. I am single with no kids, no pets, and I live in another state.
I was certain for a long time that I wanted to move away for my own good. I really believed I could love, maybe tolerate some people from a safe distance, because really, you cannot live with toxic people. It drains the light out of you. I never anticipated how much I needed friends and some families to be nearby. You may ask, why the hell did I move away? Well, I’m foolish and terribly stubborn.
It wasn’t all like this in the first few months. I was empowered to have a full-time job, and I was finally a full-time adult. I don’t necessarily count college as entering into adulthood, but rather, a small trial of adulthood. A safety net. Our families are nearby for emotional and financial support. If not that, there was financial aid where students get to spend the remaining of their funds on whatever they pleased.
The honeymoon stages of my adulthood quickly fizzled into a dull routine. It was nothing like how I could ever imagined. My job no longer felt stimulating, and I was devastated when I learned my position could not cross train in different departments. The worse part is coming home with no one to share my thoughts with in person.
I relish on human interactions. Speaking over the phone or through messaging feels…..rushed. I miss the honest conversations. I miss seeing the lines form on a person’s face, the way a person tucks their hair back, or even the way they walk seemed lovely. I may sound so lonely, but I have perpetually delighted on observing every person’s small stroke of being a human being. Besides, social media gives me digital fatigue.
So you know what I did? I blamed myself for leaving everyone, for incurring so much debt on a career that I’m unsure about. I just can’t deal with myself anymore, so I’ve been ignoring my feelings. I stopped meditating. I subconsciously tuned myself out, and that broke me. The breakdown I mentioned earlier? It was long overdue. I was sick of being sick and feeling guilty. It was like a cloud of shame following me everywhere. I knew I had to forgive myself. This feeling no longer serves me.
It’s easier said than done. I hate sitting in meditation and admitting my faults out loud, or the “what-if’s” scenarios – it takes a toll, but the waterworks always works. People call it crying, I call it cleansing of the soul. I had to force myself to sit through a meditation, and deliver an emotional freedom technique (EFT) tapping.
It is true, the first year living away is the hardest of all. I’m still learning through all of my struggles. I have learned that you need to be the hero of your own story before you can be with someone else. You need to mother yourself when no one is there to comfort you. You need to be the student that is willing to continue learning from young or old. You need to be the teacher that’ll set your own deadlines now, and you need to believe in yourself in the worse time of your life.
Today marks the end of my probationary period at work. I can now take off work for vacation which is somewhat exciting, but I’m still hungover from my guilt. I will continue my healing practices to overcome my choices. I will end with this quote that I frequently read every day at work:
“Don’t abuse yourself later for what you didn’t know now” – Elizabeth Gilbert